Dear Coach Kruger,
There seems to be a riff amongst Sooner fans. To settle this, I suggest the following:
1) Provide life size posters on the wall of the student section, i.e. Blake Griffin, Wayman Tisdale, Stacey King, etc. Have them marked in feet and inches up to 8 feet. This should accomplish two things. It would show each student how tall they are compared to Sooner greats. And it will settle a long standing argument about how tall that wall is.
2) Coach the first game in the Top Daug costume. Don't ask questions. Just exit your office, take a left, walk 43 paces, wait, how tall are you? Ok, 39 paces. There is a small door on your right. Check the breast pocket on your overcoat, no, the other one. Remove the envelope you find and take out the key inside, kneel down, on your knees, not crouched on your feet(this is very important), use the key to open the first lock, open the door with your left hand. Inside you will see a ladder, lean forward and grab the left and right sides of the ladder, at the top, make sure both hands grab the ladder at the same time, and brace yourself. The ladder will begin moving downward at a rate of 6 feet per second. 7 seconds later you'll arrive in a room. In this room is a safe, the combination is 33, 23, 33, 10, 10, 23. When the door opens, enter the safe, left foot first, then right foot. The door will close behind you. Don't worry this is normal. On the hangar you will see a costume. Don't look around, just put it on. Once inside the costume you will begin to see a computer image appear in your left eye. You will see a menu bar listed: Practice facility, Game Court, Locker Room. You can scroll through the choices by grabbing each ear of your costume and pulling from side to side. Left to scroll left, right to scroll right. Use the scroll to select locker room. Once the arrow, is highlighting "locker room", turn and face the door. Begin a sprint towards the door, about 9 feet prior to the door, use your momentum to slide on your knees towards the door. You will see a bright Crimson smoke, and you may hear angels singing(this is normal), when the smoke clears, you will be in the locker room. Your players will be circled around you waiting for instructions. Say nothing, put one finger in the air, and head for the court, your team will follow.
If you do this exactly, an NCAA tournament title is in your future.
Have a great day.
38Special